Step Away From The Computer Jokes
or more funny things people say to computer techs...

Step away from the computer jokes are no joke!

Are you thinking about a career as a tech support worker in the computer industry? Well, unless you list “more patience than a saint” as one of your personality traits, forget it.


The examples below are all true stories and offer great computer humor.

While you are laughing at some of the silly things people come up with, please spare a thought for the poor technician who was on the other end of the telephone line.

Also bear in mind that most of the following are mere snippets of the full excruciating conversations that had to be endured by the foot-soldiers of the IT industry.

* Health warning: Former tech support workers are advised to approach the following material with caution.


We take no responsibility for the consequences of traumatic flashbacks.

The Eyes Have It!

Some people seem to develop a disturbing level of visual impairment when placed in front of a computer:

Tech: I need you to click on the “Start” button.
Customer: Where is that?
Tech: It’s on the bottom left hand corner of your screen.
Customer: ...
Tech: Did you find it?
Customer: Ahhh.... No. I don’t see it.
Tech: Look closely at your screen. In the bottom...left...corner.
Customer: I don’t see it. I only see a button that says “Control”.
Tech: No ma’am, that’s on the keyboard. The “Start” button is on the bottom left corner of your screen. You know, the monitor. The thing that looks like a TV.
Customer: Aaahhhh, yes!!! Ok.
Tech: ...
Customer: ...
Tech: Well, did you find it?
Customer: No. I still only see “Control”.

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Customer: My computer’s telling me I performed an illegal abortion.

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Tech: Ok, ma’am, do you see the button on the right hand side of your mouse?
Customer: No, there’s a printer and a phone on the right hand side of my mouse.

---

Windows???

In hindsight, maybe the term Windows was a poor choice by computer developers:

Tech: Do you have any windows open right now?
Customer: Are you crazy woman, it’s twenty below outside...

---

Customer: How much do Windows cost?
Tech: Windows costs about $100.
Customer: Oh, that’s kind of expensive. Can I buy just one window?

---

Customer: I’m having trouble with my printer.
Tech: Are you running it under Windows.
Customer: No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is working fine.

---

The Foibles of the Internet

The rise of the Internet has introduced a whole new degree of difficulty for our intrepid tech support workers:

Customer: I’m sorry. I think I just deleted the Internet!
Tech Support: That’s ok. We have it backed up here on tape somewhere.

---

Customer: My modem was hit by lightning. Can you email me another one? (Ahh…the magic of email)

---

Customer: I can’t send an email. Is the Internet full?

---

Customer: I’d like to buy the Internet. Do you know how much it is?

---

Customer: I lost my Internet. I switched it off last night and turned on this morning, and it’s gone. I just paid $19.95 a month, and I have lost it already. Can you send me another one?

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Customer: I don’t have a computer at home. Is the Internet available in book form?
(Where do you start with this one?)

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Can they get any dumber?

And just when you thought we’d scoured the depths of dumbness:

Customer: The install fails half way through. I tried several times,
and it always fails at the same point.
Tech: Did you see any kind of error message?
Customer: Yes. It said, “Please insert Disk 2.”
Tech Support: Have you got another disk there?
Customer: Yes.
Tech Support: Is it labelled “Disk 2”?
Customer: Yes, it is.
Tech Support: Insert that disk into the drive, and click “OK”.
Customer: Wow, thanks! That’s fixed it. It’s installing now. What was it, a faulty disk or something?

---

Customer: How long is the 14 foot Ethernet cable?

---

Tech: Click on the computer icon on the left side of the screen.
Customer: Is that your left or my left?

---

Customer: Ahh...I need help unpacking my new PC.
Tech: What exactly is the problem?
Customer: I can’t open the box.
Tech: Well, I’d remove the tape holding the box closed and go from there.
Customer: Ahhhh...ok, thanks....

---

Tech Support: Just call us back if there’s a problem. We’re open 24 hours.
Customer: Is that Eastern Time?

---

Tech: What does the screen say now?
Customer: It says, “Hit Enter when ready”.
Tech: Well?
Customer: How do I know when it’s ready?

---

Tech: All right...now double-click on the My Computer icon.
Customer: That’s why I hate this Windows — because of the icons — I’m a Protestant, and I don’t believe in icons.
Tech: Well, that’s just an industry term sir. I don’t believe it was meant to…
Customer: I don’t care about any “Industry Terms”. I don’t believe in icons.
Tech: Well, why don’t you click on the “little picture” of the computer...is “little picture” ok?
Customer: [click]

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Tech: Have you made backups of your software and data?
Customer: I didn’t know it had a reverse.

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Customer: I ran Microwave Defrost, but it didn’t help.

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Customer: I have Microsoft Exploder.

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Customer: I have Netscape Complicator.

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Customer: Which is better, hardware or software?


And, on and on it goes… At this very moment in a small cubicle somewhere on the face of the Earth, a support technician is attempting to explain that there’s no such thing as an uppercase zero, or that a hard drive doesn’t get any heavier when you put more data on it … our thoughts and prayers go out to them.

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